OH, THE PROMISES WE MAKE

By Janice Martin, Senior Advisor / Family Liaison

If you have an elderly parent or spouse, you may be noticing that there are signs that they are no longer safe or thriving at home. Even if you have care coming in several days a week, they may need more attention. Making the decision to broach the subject of assisted living is often difficult. Even if you are confident it’s the right thing to do, it’s stressful and can be very sad.

Many older people may have had a bad experience with a nursing home and swore they would never go to one. Your parent may have had their mother or sibling in a place 15-20 years ago and had an awful experience. Because of that, they may have made you promise to never put them “in one of those places.”

I remember a conversation I had with my mother before she moved to a senior living community. She was a very social, well-dressed proud woman who had increasing memory impairment and was becoming weaker. One day, she asked me to make that very promise. I took a deep breath and told her, “Mom, I can’t do that. If you ever get to the point where you never leave the house, you spend all day sitting and sleeping in your chair that is soiled from incontinency, if you can’t remember how to use the remote control, and are no longer eating well, I will help you make a move to assisted living. I love you too much to accept that awful quality of life when I know it doesn’t have to be that way.”

You may be the full-time caregiver for a spouse and feel bound by the promise of “in sickness and in health.” It is perfectly understandable that you want to keep your loved one home with you as long as possible. The idea of recognizing that’s no longer realistic can bring feelings of guilt and perhaps failure.

If you did make one of these promises, there is the likelihood that it was made when things were very different. Perhaps at that time, neither of you realized the burden and sacrifices you would have to make. You may be sacrificing time and possibly your relationship with your spouse, children, or career to provide care for a parent. Being the full-time caregiver for a spouse, even with help, means that you are always on duty 24/7. Arranging for outside help can be exhausting and stressful if there are last-minute cancellations or frequent staffing changes.

Ask yourself, is this truly what they would have wanted for you?

Understandably, there is also the fear that they are moving to “heaven’s waiting room.” If they agree, they are afraid they are “giving up” and acknowledging that they will die, and that can be very frightening. Help them to understand there are many ways to be active and productive in a place that will provide them care, safety, and new friends.

Everyone wants to spend their final years in their own home. But if it’s been a few years – or even decades – since they’ve visited an assisted living community, they may be very surprised! Today’s communities are filled with wonderful amenities and activities in beautiful surroundings. There are many different types ranging from comfortable and cozy to big and glitzy. There are activities every day for socialization and delicious food to provide good nutrition.

Visit communities with your loved one and ask what they like and don’t like. Help them to feel that they are part of the decision and that they have choices. Many people who believe they must go to a nursing home are surprised to learn that they can receive the care they need in today’s assisted living.

Allow yourself to return to the role of husband, wife, or adult child, rather than caregiver. Know that you will always be the primary decision maker. By releasing the daily responsibilities, you can allow yourself to become part of a team that is experienced and professional. Remain visible and involved and communicate with the assisted living staff your expectations and thoughts. This will ensure better care and feelings of control. Take time to care for yourself so that you can be healthy, patient, and loving. Find a good support group to share your experience with others who understand and support you.

Working with a senior living specialist can help to narrow the search to find a reputable community that could be a good fit. We at Senior Liaison of Central Florida can be your advocate during the process of how to approach the subject, what to look for in a community, and help you every step of the way, allowing you confidence in your decision.

Allow Senior Liaison of Central Florida to be “Your Guide Through the Chaos!”

For more information, call Janice Martin at 352-477-1866 or visit www.SeniorLiaisonCFL.com