When you’re caught in the middle

By Janice Martin, Owner of Senior Liaison of Central Florida

I have recently found myself in the position that many family members face when moving their loved one to assisted living and the situation goes badly. I’m not a family member, but I was asked to help a resident at a long term nursing home who had become very dear to me. Helping people move to senior living is what I do for a living. I have done this for a very long time, yet I was unprepared for the significant snags that caught me off guard. I was also unprepared for the emotions of feeling helpless and terribly sad from the experience.

My friend had been living in a nursing home where I first met her nearly two years ago. She shared with me that she wanted desperately to move to assisted living. She wanted to sit in a garden, to paint, and to write. However, the obstacles of her health and her financial situation did not make it possible. Over time, she progressed in her physical abilities, and she was accepted for Medicaid.

I spoke with many employees at the nursing home to make sure that she was a candidate for assisted living. They all assured me that she was able to physically do the things she said she could do. One community came to evaluate her and determined that she was not appropriate for them. I reached out to another and asked if they would evaluate her as well. I fully explained all of her strengths and weaknesses (which are admittedly significant) and firmly requested that they have her demonstrate what she reported she was able to do. I also asked that they promise me that they would not accept her if they didn’t feel they could accommodate her needs. I was worried about taking her away from her home and friends she had made in the last 2 years to a place where she knew no one and that her care might not be sufficient. When I told her they had accepted her, she was overwhelmed with joy!

There was no family to help with her transition. I worked with her in my professional capacity and as her “family.” I was there to welcome her at her new assisted living apartment and helped to unpack her things and hung pictures to make it feel like home. When I was sure she was settled, I left happy that we had accomplished her wish.

And then it all fell apart. I have learned so much from this experience and it is what I want to share. First, expect the unexpected and accept that what you believe is an obvious assumption is not always so. For instance, if a person is moving from home or another assisted living to a new assisted living, a supply of their medications are sent with them. When a person moves from a nursing home, it does not. Make certain that the new community receives the medication list so that they have adequate time to have the pharmacy deliver.

Ensure that they have all the personal supplies they need, including and most importantly, incontinence supplies. And be sure to understand who is responsible for ordering them and paying for them. Although she had some, it wasn’t enough, and the community didn’t check until there were none. Also, the delivery of medical equipment such as hospital beds, toilet and shower seats, walkers, and wheelchairs may be delayed due to their Medicare provider’s approval process.

Then the phone calls began. She told me they weren’t taking her to the dining room and she spent all day alone in her room. She told me they weren’t helping her when she pressed the pendant, and she didn’t have “this,” and she didn’t have “that,” and the food was terrible, and on and on.

So, of course I called the administrator in anger and learned an entirely different side of the story. They had very good and valid explanations for all of my concerns that put an entirely different light on the story.

I was stuck in the middle. Just like anyone who has moved a parent or spouse and is feeling guilty. I felt that I had let her down.

I was reminded that there are always two sides to every story. There is always truth and denial from both sides. It’s hard to understand the real story.

Yesterday morning she called me crying how awful it is. Today I received a text from the administrator telling me she spoke with my friend’s family who visited and reported she told them she was happy to be there and is getting used to her bigger apartment.

I learned that I must allow them to figure this out and that she must make more of an effort to be her own advocate. I asked that all managers visit with her to tell her their responsibilities and how they can help with her concerns.

A transition to a new place is always difficult and it takes time. I preach this every day but have never fully experienced it. It’s important to love deeply and to be supportive. But I also encourage you to communicate, listen, and acknowledge that there are things the staff are likely doing that you may not realize. Respect everyone’s feelings and responsibilities…. But keep things in perspective and never stop being an advocate!

Janice Martin is an author, educator, and specialist on senior living options and the owner of Senior Liaison of Central Florida Inc. She has written “The Complete Guide to Assisted Living: Everything You Need to Know Before, During, and After a Move.” This award winning and #1 best seller is available on Amazon.com in paperback and eBook.

For more information, call 352-477-1866 or email SeniorLiaisonCFL@gmail.com.

Senior Liaison

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