When Someone Tells You They Have Cancer

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When we are shocked by unexpected news, it takes a bit of time to process our thoughts and feelings. We often go into a fight-or-flight or freeze-type response. This often does not allow for the best responses to be expressed.

It can be difficult to know the right thing to say when a friend or loved one tells you they have cancer. Most likely, they are adjusting to the news and feeling stress, confusion, anger, fear, sadness, worry, uncertainty, disappointment and discouragement all at the same time.

The following is a list of some unhelpful responses to someone who has shared with you that they have cancer:
• I know just how you feel.
• I know just what you should do.
• I know someone who had the same diagnosis.
• Don’t worry.
• I’m sure you’ll be fine.
• You’re strong, and you can beat this.
• How long do you have?
• I could never go through what you’re going through.
• I don’t know how you deal with this.

These unhelpful responses can cause the person to feel dismissed and minimized or like they need to put a brave face on for you and everyone else in their life. They may begin to feel alienated or as if they will be a burden. Telling a person how they should feel or what they are not doing enough of can cause them to feel misunderstood and devalued.

Many people navigating cancer need time to process the details of their diagnosis; hearing someone tell them what they should or should not be doing is discouraging. Unhelpful responses can be seen as judgmental, uncaring, flippant and out of touch. The best way to encourage someone is to give them hope.

Helpful responses include:
• I care for you, and I’m here for you.
• I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this.
• If you want to talk, I’m here to listen.
• I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care.
• I can hear it has been hard for you to share this. Thank you for sharing with me.
• You’ve been going through a tough time.
• I know you are still figuring things out and learning
what you need. Please let me know how I can help.
• I will keep you in my thoughts.
• I will be here for you through this.

These helpful responses are authentic. They show that you may not have the perfect words to say but that you are present and care for them. These responses help to reassure a person that they do not need to hold in their emotions and that you are a safe place for them. Additionally, do not reject or abandon them or distance yourself. It leaves the person feeling isolated, alienated and alone.

Follow up is key and shows you care. When your friend or loved one tells you they have cancer, follow up with them, at least in one to two weeks after they tell you. If you promise to call, be sure to call. If you promise to text, make sure you text. If you promise to visit, please visit.
We are all busy, and life does not stop for those with cancer. If you tend to forget in your busy day, set a reminder on your phone, write it on a physical calendar or use a good old-fashioned sticky note.

When we face a crisis, it causes fear. A loved one in crisis needs a caring, familiar face for comfort and to encourage them day after day. You are not there to fix the problem, just to walk with them through their journey. Simply showing up for someone navigating a cancer diagnosis and treatment is the best response.

WORLD-CLASS CANCER TREATMENT, CLOSE TO HOME
About Florida Cancer Specialists & Research Institute, LLC (FLCancer.com)

For more than 40 years, FCS has built a national reputation for excellence that is reflected in exceptional and compassionate patient care, driven by innovative clinical research, cutting-edge technologies and advanced treatments, including targeted therapies genomic-based treatment and immunotherapy. Our highest values are embodied by our outstanding team of highly trained and dedicated physicians, clinicians and staff.

In Marion County, board-certified physicians specializing in hematology, medical oncology, gynecologic oncology and radiation oncology provide personalized care for all forms of cancer and blood disorders. With extraordinary skill and experience, they deliver treatments with maximum effectiveness and safety, combined with compassion and concern for patients and their families. From genetic screening to immunotherapies and access to the latest clinical trials, our top-ranked cancer experts provide the newest and most advanced treatments available — increasing cure rates and extending lives.